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T'was The Night Before Christmas...
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Reindeer Local 1 Celebrating 100th Year of Strong Union Membership
Santa City, North Pole. Reindeer Local 1 is celebrating its 100th year representing Santa's reindeer. The union is most well known for negotiating an extremely gratuitous one-day work year, which it has maintained despite shifting demographics and holiday celebrations over the past century. The union credits its success to strong PR; most members donate time visiting petting zoos and local celebrations throughout December, and the 100% participation rate among resident reindeer. In addition to their ideal scheduling, union member benefits also include free stable and board, discounted hoof trimming, and subsidized health care through the Red and Green Cross.
Local 1 says their biggest struggle has been to convince their colleagues, Santa's Elves, to unionize. The non-union elves have long struggled with their contracts which include 364 working days per year, stringent uniform guidelines, and minimal cookie breaks.
Midwest Deer Population in Favor of Tighter Gun Control Laws
In a scientific poll of Upper Midwest deer close to 91% of the bucks and does interviewed voiced their support for stricter gun control measures. Hunting rifles topped the list of weapons seen as the biggest threat to overall security by our hoofed friends.
A vast majority of North American pheasants joined the sentiment voiced by their ruminant colleagues..
“It is about time that our lobbying efforts paid off” was a commonly voiced opinion at the annual gathering of GAGS (“Gamefowl Against Gruesome Shotguns”). Other proposed changes supported by GAGS include mandatory blindfolding of hunters and limiting the use of flushing dogs to hours between 2:00 and 4:00 am.
Manger Scenes All Wrong
Religious scholars had been suspecting a faulty depiction of popular manger scenes for centuries, but it took a special investigative unit of the Vatican to finally prove and admit that the classical depiction of the idyllic manger gathering does not correctly identify all the participants.
Yes, some sheep were present, but the Border Collie guarding them has been left out in most scenes. In the original setting the canine can be seen licking the babies face, while Jesus longingly tries to grab the dog’s ears, not reaching out to his mother’s face as commonly seen. The resulting zoonotic roundworm infection resulted in divine diarrhea that lasted for weeks.
Frankincense never made it as a gift to the manger. Joseph’s Golden Retriever Mephistopheles (also missing from classical depictions) seized upon the supply immediately after the 3 kings’ arrival mistaking the wrapped parcel for bacon, devouring most of it in the process. The remaining resin was rendered useless due to salivary contamination.
The 3 kings arrived on foot and not by camel as depicted. Their camel underwent colic surgery 12 miles outside of Bethlehem and had to be left behind recuperating.
The cat is missing from most manger scenes as well. The Vatican admitted that originally a cat tried to jump into the crib right after Jesus’ birth trying to suck the breath out of the baby.
Joseph was actually not present after the birth either. He angrily and jealously left realizing that if Mary was a “virgin” as she claimed, then where the hell did the baby come from. Grabbing the gold and Mephistopheles he headed straight for Tel Aviv, hoping to join its famous night life.
The Vatican promised a revised presentation of the popular Christmas scene starting with the 2021 season.