Manger Scenes All Wrong 


Religious scholars had been suspecting a faulty depiction of popular manger scenes for centuries, but it took the Vatican’s special investigative unit to finally prove and admit that the “classical” depiction of the idyllic manger gathering does not correctly identify all the participants.

Yes, some sheep were present, but the Border Collie licking the babies face, leading to divine, zoonotic roundworm diarrhea was last brought to canvas in Boticelli’s painting ‘Parasites in the Manger’.

Frankincense was never presented as the intended gift. Joseph’s Golden Retriever  Mephistopheles (also missing from classical depictions) seized upon the supply immediately after the 3 kings’ arrival, mistaking the wrapped parcel for bacon, and devouring most of it. The remaining resin was rendered useless due to salivary contamination.

The 3 kings arrived on foot and not by camel as depicted. Their camel underwent colic surgery 12 miles outside of Bethlehem and had to be left behind. 

Joseph was actually not present after the birth either. He angrily and jealously left, realizing that if Mary was a “virgin” as she claimed, then where the hell did the baby come from. Grabbing the gold and Mephistopheles he headed straight for Tel Aviv, hoping to join its famous night life.

The Vatican promised a revised presentation of the popular Christmas scene starting with the 2022 season.




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2022

Christmas

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​​’Twas the night before Christmas, the dachshund was waiting
the traps were all set, St. Nick he was baiting
For years he had tried, miserably he had failed
to capture that magical creature kids hailed

But this year was different, he told himself quick
I will catch this gift giving Santa, St. Nick.
He arranged all the cookies, the plate and the milk,
careful to lick up the liquid he spilled

The moon in the sky made the night clear as day
no doubt he would see the old man with his sleigh
his eyes on the fireplace, not missing a thing
he waited and listened for bells that would ring

Then suddenly way in the distance he’d hear
the reindeer and Santa, no sense yet of fear
the rooftop, the chimney were all too inviting
for Santa to worry ‘bout canines him biting

Slowed by the presents, he didn’t show haste
down the chimney he came, getting stuck by the waist. 
with some extra effort, not worried the least
he fell to the floor, to the feet of the beast.

“Now who we got here?”, the dachshund pronounced 
licking his chops, a tradition of hounds
“I guess”, he continued “your travels stop here,
say your prayers, old man, for the end, it is near”

Panic stricken St. Nick tried to answer the hound
“but the kids, the are waiting for presents abound”
then he thought ..and he had ..an aw-ful idea
what if I .. sacrifice.. a beloved reindeer

In glowing terms he described a reindeer filet
lightly braised, followed by a lovely sorbet
the dachshund his drool dripping down from his teeth
gave a nod to Saint Nick, standing under the wreath

So St. Nick and his sleigh moved on through the night 
as he shouted to Dasher and Dancer with might
but for Rudolph the journey had ended right there
as a meal, so delicious, in the dachshund’s own lair