Tax Season

Tax season is finally behind us, but new questions regarding the modified tax code are already being discussed in Congress. 

1. Should there be a nuisance tax for owning dachshunds? A legitimate question that almost made it to the Supreme Court in 2000 after the Gore v Bush controversy had been settled. After public opinion polls suggested that neighbors of dachshund owners thought of them as a ‘little pain in the ass’ the tax lobby jumped on the opportunity to pass punitive tax measures. Watch for a decision in early fall.

2. A tax break for dog owners in the Upper Midwestern states is being discussed. Dogs sleeping under their owners blankets in the winter months decrease heating demand and thus provide an environmental benefit. A $1500 tax credit to offset veterinary costs is being debated in the Senate. In a statement the EPA declared “we are actively working on the destruction of the ozone layer. The increased UV radiation should provide plenty of extra heat. So no need for additional warming through pets. Bad idea.”

3. TIF (Tax Increment Financing) extended to dog houses? Federal tax incentives that would allow for fancier dog houses especially in gated communities in rich Republican districts are added as riders to spending bills in the House and the Senate. Senators Warren and McCain started a bipartisan effort to defeat the bill. “How about some low income housing for our inner city stray dog population,” a spokes-dog for McCain read in a prepared statement, while taking a dump in the White House Rose Garden.

Stay tuned.

Guinea Pigs: Pets or Food

Thousands of guinea pigs converged on the Washington Mall in their march to the Capitol building. After the recent five to four ruling by the highest court classifying guinea pigs as farm and food animals taking away their basic rights of free assembly and religious freedom, the majority of the assembled rodents voiced their displeasure with the decision. 

Siting animal rights concern as well as pointing out the limited caloric yield of the average guinea pig spokesperson Cavigordo stated: “we are good hombres bringing joy to kids. So please, don’t eat our wives and children”.

Planned Parenthood for Farm Animals

The “Planned Parenthood” subchapter for farm animals met for its annual gathering in Springfield, IL,  last weekend. The following talking points were incorporated into the platform to influence the next presidential race.

1.  “Artificial insemination of cows should be limited to cases where the heifer gives its clear, written consent. The limitation of sexual experiences to long plastic pipettes inserted by a veterinarians or technicians with mostly cold hands will no longer be tolerated.”
2.  “Laying hens will be granted two 15 minute cigarette breaks in an 8 hour laying period. The goal of incorporating smoking related carcinogens into eggs as part of payback against the consumer is a legitimate weapon to reduce egg consumption. Broiler chickens can look for similar provisions in their contracts.”
3. “Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s endorsement of gestation crates for pigs is only acceptable if Christie himself shoves his body into a movement confining metal box with his breasts hanging out for at least 3 consecutive days.”

Huckabee wants concealed gestation crates for pigs

Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee and leading members of the “Christian Coalition” demanded gestation crates for pigs that would not allow observation of the “objectionable sight of piglets nursing on their mother’s teats”. “This disgusting and entirely unnatural process should not be observable to the average christian farmer or his children” Huckabee stated at the meeting of “Pious Pig Pioneers” in De Moines, IA. “If pigs have to engage in this display of revolting intimacy, it should be concealed in closed, windowless crates that avoid visual exposure.” 

In separate appearances Chris Christie and Rick Santorum stated support for Huckabee’s position, threatening a partial government shutdown if the Obama administration does not take up the issue.

‘Gay Rights for Dogs’ Rally in D.C.

An estimated 20 - 25000 dachshunds, chihuahuas, pugs and mutts of all colors and convictions gathered on the Mall in Washington, D.C., planning their march to the Supreme Court, which is expected to take up the issue of gay rights for dogs this fall. Leaders of the “rainbow coalition of purebreds and mutts” made their voices heard on most of the major news outlets. NBC, CBS and ABC all reported a peaceful gathering that only occasionally led to bark-chants of “freedom to hump now”, “my testicles, my choice”, “bitch bond and beyond” and the occasional unavoidable urination on fire hydrants and trees. The gathering was observed by hundreds of curious onlookers. 

Only Fox News described the march as a gathering that should have been prohibited by present anti-bestiality laws. Fox News” CEO Roger Ailes described the protest as “the ultimate perversion of Judeo-Christian values” while Sean Hannity complained about a general lack of “fairness and balance” since un-neutered male dogs, unlike himself, are able to lick their balls.

Pets in Politics

Legalization of Catnip is Gaining Momentum

On August 10th Minnesota became the 12th state in the nation to legalize catnip for recreational use. Cats all over the state welcomed the news and hailed the law’s passage as an important achievement. When interviewed a spokes-cat for the “catnip now initiative” stated: “have you ever spent a winter in Minnesota? 2 inch icicles hanging from your whiskers are the norm. Anything to get your mind off your balls turning into ice cubes helps.” 

The strong Doberman lobby in the state vowed to appeal the decision citing the “risk for widespread intoxication in the feline population leading to cats having way too much fun.”

The Ball

As an alternative to Trump’s wall, members of the “Bones Society”, a Washington canine think tank, came up with the idea of a border ball.

The ball would be placed at the US-Mexican border and could be used by dogs of both countries in interactive play fostering cross-cultural understanding.

“The ball is significantly cheaper than the wall”, Chorizo, chairman of “Bones” stated. “The wall’s cost comes in at approximately $13 billion. According to our calculations, the ball prices out at about $19.95 plus tax. This includes delivery and installation. As you can see, substantial savings. The ball is also less visually intrusive and would fare better in the required environmental impact studies.”

Senator Klobuchar of Minnesota plans to introduce the “Ball Bill” on the Senate floor in early April.

Large Sausage Smuggling Operation Successful due to Government Shutdown

The temporary government shutdown affecting law enforcement agencies, the TSA and border patrol allowed for widespread smuggling of sausage products into the country. The infamous “Berlin Cartel”, a network of organized dog families in northern Germany sent containers filled with everything from Krakauers and Brats to pickled tripe through unprotected East Coast ports, allowing for easy access to product for domesticated as well as stray dogs in the US.

“Our streets are being flooded with delicious smelling meet products” a TSA spokesman stated. “Especially our young dog population might develop an addiction to European beef and pork. They might not be satisfied with mass produced cheap pet foods anymore. Imagine the economic hit that the pet food industry will have to absorb.”

Meanwhile canine advocacy groups all over the country continued to lobby congress to allow for recreational use of at least German and Polish sausage products. “We want culinary satisfaction. Let Hump engorge on his cheeseburgers.”

FBI’s and TSA’s “Sniffer Dogs” under Attack by Administration.

As part of the Hump administration’s attack on the law enforcement agencies (FBI) the country’s police dogs were not spared from criticism. After the New York Times reported that a special shipment of Russian Borscht meant for Hump detected by airport sniffer dogs might be additional prove of collusion with Russia these valiant canines were singled out by Hump in his morning tweets.

“Lazy four legged creatures. Don’t have anything better to do than sniff suitcases and bags at airports. Sad. What a witch hunt. @RealDonaldHump.”

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