Dr. Spaz's columns
A Hidden Agenda in Plain Sight
A new pet product has emerged on the publicity scene with quite a splash. Not since Cabbage Patch Kids has there been such a furor in the malls. This reporter was intrigued with the product after reading the latest press release and receiving an alert regarding the 1.5million “shares” this product announcement received on Space Book.
“Just released for wide distribution…
The much-anticipated release of CatLeap, the spring-loaded cat boots, has taken its final step into the marketplace. You may now purchase these fabulous footwears in retail pet stores, online with Amazon and Alibaba, or direct from the manufacturer, AstroFeet Ltd., for $23/boot.
Cats can now reach altitudes achieved as yet only by adventurous city racoons. Feline flyers will soar and land with impunity. The athletically challenged and the cumbersomely obese mousers will now exert an advantage over the fuzzy rodentia with aerial attacks.”
While the product seemed to perform as advertised, the safety performance numbers were conspicuously missing from all product accounts. This reporter, acting on behalf of fragile felines everywhere, looked deeper into R&D at AstroFeet Ltd.
After much investigation, something more nefarious appears to be afoot. It was discovered that AstroFeet Ltd. is a shell company owned by Drs. Hammers, Slammers and Hitch, all veterinary surgeons practicing under revoked state veterinary licenses and black-list decertification from the Veterinary Surgeons Board. To this reporter, the CatLeap scheme looks to have fluttered right out of a horror flick. The afore mentioned diabolic cutters purposely created a product that would make money on the front end through sales, and on the tail end through surgery services repairing all of the fractured felines.
Save your money and your fuzzy feline honey and avoid the CatLeap boots this summer. This product hype reached heights no feline was designed to achieve.
Plastic waste put to use to help save animals!
A new material is making its way into the veterinary operating theater, and its origin will surprise you. Koky Churni and Tvist Shardvelt, renowned materials science engineers from Omaha, Nebraska have taken on the plastic waste environmental epidemic and won. They have created implantable medical devices from waste skimmed from our oceans, the stomachs of stranded marine mammals, and the backs of marine foragers!
As in the natural environment, these medical devices last a very long time in the human body environment…just in time for baby boomers growing old into their 90s. Catheters for every vessel/stoma/orifice used with life-support machines; bone plates for every wrist, shoulder and hip fracture; bariatric staples for every stomach reduction procedure—all from the mountains of plastic created out of human demand.
This surgeon has started using these products for the veterinary application and finds them:
Convenient (I can keep them right at the surgery table, so I don’t have to walk across the room to the supply cupboard.)
Less expensive, (I can easily throw away the first one if it doesn’t suit me.)
Fun (the implants can be made in bright plastic colors, even “confetti” patterns, to amuse me.)
Churni and Shardvelt are certainly on to something. With the discovery of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch in the Pacific Ocean in 1997, it became clear that supply would always exceed demand! A treasure trove of 8 million metric tons of plastic can be found in the ocean each year. Ocean wildlife is generous enough to collect it for them, with 44% of all seabird species, 22% of cetaceans, all sea turtle species, and some fish species have been found with plastic in or around their bodies. And each person on the planet, on average, uses 170 new single-use plastic bags each year. Who could go wrong with this kind of wanton production of stock ingredients for their medical devices!
The only concern this surgeon has is news of the upcoming Starbucks straw ban and the wave of single-use plastic bans sweeping Europe that has made it to the West Coast of the Unites States. Surely the pre-fascist government agents cropping up across the globe will put a stop to this attack of environmental extremists infiltrating our local governments.
Breaking News: The testosterone level of a canine companion is directly linked to human male endowment.
After exhaustive, and at times dangerous, data collection, scientists can now confirm a link between the (canine) male hormone testosterone and the (human) male anatomy. Never before seen numbers unequivocally show this connection oft times professed by virile human specimens dressed in forest camouflage or blaze orange.
This data sheds doubt on the time honored veterinary practice of canine castration for the prevention of breeding, urine marking/wandering/aggressive behaviors, and prostatic hypertrophy. If indeed the correlation is correct, is the veterinary profession unwittingly besmirching innumerable human male egos or traumatizing their psyche?
As we go to print with this news, already male scientists are tirelessly combing through the data to find any suggestion of spurious numbers that may have confounded the results. And female scientists are moving forward to validate and develop practical applications for the ground breaking science..
Removing Economic Advantage
By Dr. Spaz
This surgeon has been studying the economics of pet care for years in an attempt to devise the most cost-effective veterinary services delivery method. Until recently, this endeavor has left this surgeon flummoxed. The pivotal moment…the “aha!”…came when performing a toe amputation for a beloved pet Schipperdoodle named Miss Digit. As the offending, cancer-riddle toe thunked quietly into the waste bucket, the light bulb clicked on.
We in veterinary medicine (and human medicine alike…take note humanoid providers) are often treating by removing. We remove rotten teeth. We remove bad tumors. We remove ugly tails. We remove wayward dewclaws. We remove excessive ears. We remove gastric contents. We remove foreign objects from intestines. We remove obstipated stool. We remove matted hair plugging the anus. We remove bulldog puppies by C-section. We go about our days taking away things, making a pet have LESS on itself or in itself. Why then do we charge money to an owner for a LESS endowed pet at discharge?
In this surgeon’s new veterinary services delivery method, we will reimburse owners of these pets (from whom we have removed said problems) for the privilege! These owners have made it possible for us to spend our day doing things we love to do…removing… and they should reap the benefit of such activities.
If you don’t brush your pet’s teeth and only feed mushy food, we will reimburse you $10 for every pus-ed out tooth root we must remove to treat your pet’s mouth pain and chronic inflammatory state. (Just think of the smile on that toy poodle owner face!)
If you just watch it as the tiny soft tissue sarcoma grows gigantic, we will reimburse you $20/oz to remove it and reconstruct the site. The larger the tumor, the better return! (And just think of the re-growth potential when size precludes adequate resection!)
If you enjoy the group-think beauty of short tails and ears, we will reimburse you $50/tail and $25/ear for a whopping $100/puppy. (Just think of the added value that breeding will bring to the owner!)
The potential of a veterinary services delivery method such as this is boundless.
As this surgeon fine tunes this method, the next step will be to integrate it into the practice management software products so many of us use. Stay tuned as updates to those systems come on line.
Long Awaited Solution for Orthopedic Prophylaxis
Have you ever wanted to drop your guard and allow your pet to roam without the headache of orthopedic trauma from speeding vehicles and towering cliffs? Well, wait no more. Your dream is now your reality.
Debuting… The Pet Pod!
This dynamic, custom, protective armor with partially articulating joints comes in a variety of sizes for all of our four-legged adventurers. Your pet is sheathed, the pod is inflated, and insto-presto, your pet is protected from blunt-force trauma of most varieties! Fully vetted by our cadre of rough and tumble canines and explorative felines, The Pet Pod goes where your pet goes.
Gone are the pesky veterinary orthopedic surgery bills and postoperative xrays. Never again do you have to spend an evening in the ER waiting with bated breath to hear the prognosis for life and limbs. Bid adieu to the management of cumbersome and soggy splints and bandages in the dead of winter.
Created for the market by Dr. Spaz, foremost expert in a field. Troubled by the inordinate amount of time spent putting on and taking off leashes or opening and closing gates, Dr. Spaz invented this unique and elegant solution for orthopedic prophylaxis.