Dr. K Answers
First of all, is this you or your cat writing? I am on to you Mr. Bigglesworth…stop this, right now..,no you will NOT read MY mind….,I .. am .. strong……, yes, I will send tuna immediately…, cancel your vet visit? Yes master! ….The dog needs to be neutered? Of course.
Dr. K answers
Hmm…, a challenging question. The spiritual needs and convictions of our pets are still somewhat of an enigma. In recent polls percentages of pets following our traditional monotheistic religions were still in the single digits. Catholic pets took issue with not even being allowed in churches and if granted access having to stay off the pews while Lutheran dogs and cats cited boring after-church potlucks as a major obstacle to spiritual enlightenment. Buddhist pets complaint that a philosophy that discourages cravings of any kind ‘just doesn’t satisfy carnivorous instincts’. Jewish and Muslim pets couldn’t stop fighting with each other and Hindu pets claimed that the scriptures are too darn difficult to read.
Nowadays 73% of dogs consider themselves non-believers while 19% still believe god somehow resides in the refrigerator dishing out bologna and brats to deserving canines. In the feline population the Tuna God is still revered and grants wishes in the form of culinary rewards, but most cats simply see themselves as deities and the center of the universe.
As long as you accept your cat as the superior being it is and worship it by emptying its litterboxes and opening cans of delicious cat food your pets’ spiritual needs should be well covered.
Dear Dr. K,
My cat, whom I've had for nearly 10 years has begun reading my mind and it's driving me crazy. Please tell me how to stop this annoying behavior.
Dear Dr. K,
I thought I became the owner of a cat that lost all it's hair due to stress. But that's been a year now and now it's clear it's supposed to be hairless. I thought I was doing a good deed, but can't stand the thought of looking at a hairless cat for the rest of its life. Is a hair transplant available for sphynx cat?
You might make a handsome profit.
Dr. K answers
I would try to a mohawk implant from neck to back ($ 49.99 on Amazon) and then try to sell it as a Chinese Crested dog.
Maren Moosely, Questions Answered
From Fido in Saint Paul: Mrs Moosely, my human keeps asking me who is a good boy, and I fear if I do not answer soon, I may go back to the pound. Do you know who the good boy is? Can you tell me?
Answer: Well, Fido, it seems to me that the question they want answered is less about WHO is the good boy, but who is the GOOD boy. I suspect there is a bad boy in your midst and you didn’t even realize it!
From Scruffy in Mendota Heights: Moose lady! Is that a leaf or a squirrel? Please respond. Urgent. I will keep barking until confirmation has arrived.
Answer: Hello Scruffy, I suggest barking some more, and if it runs away, it’s a squirrel. If it doesn’t run away, it’s something way braver and therefore much more dangerous, so keep barking.
Dear Reader: please note that all the news on this website is meant to be humorous, entertaining and of course fake. This is NOT actual veterinary advice.
Hello dear readers, boy do I have exciting news for you!
I, yes, Maren Moosely, will be covering the annual K-9 new year’s eve benefit concert, raising awareness (and money) for RUF (Really Ugly Fur) affliction which has been sweeping the nation. Yes, so sad, so sad, but have I mentioned the line-up? This concert is almost worth the hundreds of thousands of poor puffy mutts’ suffering! (Don’t tell my boss I said that).
Anyways, dear readers, the line up of this concert is PHENOMENAL. It will feature artists such as The Rolling Bones, Beatles, and of course the band loved by all dogs, Styx! And did I mention the goody bags?! Not for you, of course, but for the reporters covering it! Man oh man I can taste the moose treats now. But I digress. The benefit planners have decided to provide extra security this year to The Cars, who agreed to return this year on that condition following last year’s incident they were chased off the stage by crazed fans, one of whom was quoted as saying, “I dunno what I’d even do if I caught it, but it’s all about the urge, man”. Several bands which have attended in the past will NOT be returning, such as the all owl group called The Whoo. It has also been announced that The Human League will not be invited, though they keep insisting their best friends are all attending the concert. Well, faithful readers, I’m off to shine my antlers! Keep following the story in next month’s addition for coverage of the concert!
Dear Dr. K,
How can I figure out what religion my cat prefers? Sometimes he is just sitting, looking out in space like he does yoga. Is he Buddhist? When I look at a televised sermon, he sleeps right through it like any good Lutheran. Is he Lutheran? As I understand, he does not have multiple wifes, so probably not a fundamentalist Mormon. Please advise, so I can create the perfect sanctuary for him.