FartGard® for Dogs
A new product hit the shelves of veterinary clinics all over the country.
With the slogan:
Squirrel causing Indigestion?
Your owner asking probing questions?
FartGard once a month will do
Firming up the loosest poo
Pfizer®, the company producing the product, appeals to dogs of all sizes to use its product for monthly maintenance and gastrointestinal health. “Let your hound ingest all the rabbits and vermin it wants to devour. FartGard® will prevent the typical brown stains on the living room carpet”, a spokesman for Pfizer® stated.
Introducing ApoChocolate! The pet-safe chocolates for your special someone.
This Valentine's day, show your special someone you care about them and their furry friend. New ApoChocolates are the first pet safe chocolates made and distributed exclusively through WeeklyVetNews Distributors. Each exquisite morsel contains faint traces of apomorphine in direct proportion to their methylxanthine content, and will induce emesis if excess methylxanthines are consumed. What does all this nerd-speak mean? It means if your lover's furry companion sneaks into the chocolate box, ApoChocolate will safely, and efficiently, expel the chocolate back out. And for the true chocolate lover, try ApoDark, the dark chocolate with extra apomorphine power.
Purge your fear of chocolate toxicity with ApoChocolate.
Coming soon, ApOnions and ApoVacado; at grocers everywhere in the dog, cat, and bird friendly produce aisle.
by Dr. Doeslittle
Young Chicks Contemplating What Future Holds
At a recent meeting of CYM (Chicken Youth Movement) thousands of day old chickens gathered in Little Falls, AK, to discuss long term financial planning to guarantee security in retirement, taking into account the crumbling infrastructure of the social security system.
After intense group discussion the general consensus was that financial shortcomings in old age should be of no concern to chickens due to the guaranteed demise of the average chick at an early age via transformation into a Chicken McNugget or the less than fulfilling, illustrious career as a laying hen.
Want to get a closer look at all the new (fake) veterinary products?
(Better) Bite Squad® Service Offered by Metro Canine Group
An entrepreneurial team of local Pitbulls and Dachshunds started (Better) Bite Squad® (BBS) in South Minneapolis. As opposed to the popular ‘Bite Squad’ food delivery service the ‘(Better) Bite Squad’ lets you conveniently order attacks by feisty canines with your smartphone using the ‘BBS” app. “Want to scare the mailman? Does your neighbor annoy the heck out of you? Did your co-worker throw you under the bus at the last staff meeting? Now there is an answer”. These are the advertising slogans the BBS startup uses to get their message out.
‘Level One’ attacks can be purchased to ‘send a message’ to the intended target and includes threatening behavior by two canines with occasional lunging at the individuals feet without actually doing physical harm. It is considered the (Better) Bite Squads’ entry level package and is offered for $29.99, but is at the present time offered via Groupon for 50% off.
‘Level Two’ packages include 3 - 5 bites in calves, thighs or arms, carried out by 2 Dachshunds while a Chihuahua stands guard and alerts the attackers when police or dog catchers are in pursuit.
‘Level Three’ contains the popular ‘Full Frontal Assault’ package (Pitbull or Rottweiler providing bites into deeper muscle layers), the guarding Chihuahua and an accompanying Golden Retriever with a GoPro camera that generates a direct web link to allow for live coverage and viewing on the companies’ website.
Monthly subscriptions are available and a 20% discount is available for customers undergoing divorce proceedings.